Tattoos, piercings, and ear gauges, oh my!

A few days ago as I was walking around Wal-mart, I decided to count tattoos on people. Actually, the number of people with tattoos. Not because I wanted to make a judgement. Rather, I like to observe. I'm a people-watcher.

I saw all genders and ages of folks donning the colorful "body art". When I observe anything, I try to see with clear eyes, putting even my religious and cultural values aside for a moment, simply to try and understand, to empathize without judgement.

Try as I might, I just don't get it. I'd understand a little better, perhaps, if the tattoos lasted just a few months, or even a year or two. They don't. While there are procedures to remove tattoos, the skin can't be restored to it's former state. You might not care when you're twenty, or twenty-five. But at some point you're not twenty-five anymore. Saturday Night Live had a great bit starring Amy Poehler a few years back. It's a little crass, but worth a laugh:


Excessive piercings go right along with tattoos. One or two in the earlobe, ok. But the lip? The tongue. The nipple?! Why, why, why!

And what about those ear gauges...Somewhere along the line, people confused "cool" with "stupid".

You might say all of these things are for the sake of self-expression. Fine. But what are you expressing except "I like to put holes and irreversible pictures on myself." If you want to express yourself, go get a t-shirt made. At least you can take it off once you change your mind, and it won't leave a big painful hole in some body part.

Statute of limitations

President Bush hasn't been able to wield his Texas-sized machete of destruction for six months now. Yet if you listen to the left, he's still at it, killing kids and strangling grandmas. You know, like he did for eight years in the White House.

We have lots of national commemorative days. We have them for everything. National Children's Book Day. Middle Name Pride Day. We even have National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrgh!

What about having a National Stop Blaming your Predecessor Day, for President Obama?

Remember how we were promised that the gargantuan stimulus bill would make sure unemployment wouldn't exceed 8.5 per cent? Here we are, a full percentage point above that. No way in Hades it could be because the stimulus bill didn't work. It's because Bush snuck into the Department of Labor with his machete one night, and made sure lots of people lost their jobs. (And he killed the night security guard while he was at it.)

At some point, President Obama has to start playing with the big boys. It's not enough to be smooth. It's not enough to be the first Black President. Sorry to break it to all of you who hate Bush, but telling the country how bad the old guy messed up is NOT leadership.

Somehow B.O.'s actions haven't caught up with his promise of looking forward and taking responsibility. And I think the patience of the American people is wearing thinner and thinner by the day.

Cash for Clunkers

Today, that clunker of yours suddenly becomes worth far more than you could get selling it. Cash for Clunkers is a hair-brained idea conjured up by well-meaning, but left-leaning bureaucrats. There are lots of little caveats, but basically, if you turn in your older car for a new, more fuel-efficient car, the government helps out in getting you into the new car.

If you're of the Utopian bent, sounds like a wonderful society-changing plan that nobody in their right mind could be opposed to.

But on the ground -- like most utopian policies -- it's a different story.

Environmentalists are now finding themselves sharing uncommon common ground with conservatives, for very different reasons. Conservatives don't like the concept because it's expensive wealth redistrubution. Environmentalists don't like it because, well, it's not environmentally friendly, for a number of reasons:

1. It prompts folks to go out and buy new cars -- It takes a lot of resources and emissions to produce a new car. Think of the mining that has to be done for all the metal parts of a car. Auto workers have to drive to and from the car manufacturer. The new cars have to be shipped once they're off the assembly line.... you get the idea. So that leaves one wondering, "How is Cash for Clunkers environmentally friendly when it promotes consumption?" Many have made the point that there are a lot of used vehicles that get good mileage that are just waiting for a good home.

2. In some cases yesterday's clunker sedans got worse mileage than today's SUV's, so it's feared that trading in the clunker will subsidize an SUV market that environmentalists had hoped was dead for good. (I don't personally care, but the environmentalists HATE it.)

3. This is turning out to be more a big fat subsidy to the car companies than an environmental policy. The initial idea was to make sure that the new car would get 25 per cent better gas mileage than the old. Lobbyists got a hold of it and watered it down so that it's not going to do much good.

4. For the financially smart consumer, buying new - even with a fat subsidy from the government - is foolish. Cars lose almost half their value in the first three years of use. So, if you buy a three-year-old car, you'll save far more than what the government will give you... But, then again, you won't be able to show off to your neigbors and friends how rich you're trying to look by having a brand new outfit.

I chalk this up to intentions meaning more than results. Sadly, in Washington, they've lost contact with caring about what works.

Learning the hard way

So here's the scenario. A California tourist makes a visit to the highly-popular Yellowstone National Park, and gets gored taking a picture of a bison. Ten feet away from the bison.

You know, I was thinking, since this has happened a couple of times over the Park's many decades, that the park rangers and employees should warn visitors about the dangers of wildlife. Maybe they should hand out literature at the entrances to the park. And I think that signs saying "Do not approach wildlife" should be put up. Why haven't they done that yet?....Oh wait. All that stuff has been done. Never mind.

Maybe a sign saying "Do not approach wildlife, especially if you are a stupid Californian who likes to take pictures of Bison from ten feet away during mating season" -- might be a little more effective, but I'm not sure they'd have the attention span necessary to get to the end of the lengthened sign.

I think some people come to the park with the idea all the animals are warm, cuddly, cute, and trained to be nice.

I'm glad the guy's injury isn't life threatening.

But just know that when the park says to not get close to the wildlife, especially bison and bears, they mean it.

Anger at the non-socialist child...

Eleven-year-old Carynn Harris of Idaho Falls had the audacity to write in to the Post Register and wonder why "people who don't need fed are going to the school and getting fed by the government."

Fearing that Carynn's parents may actually be teaching their daughter that people ought to be more self-sufficient, four adults (so far) in the PR's online forum have piled on their angry outrage that this tween girl isn't growing up to be the type of good little socialist we pay our schools good money to churn out.

These four -- and I will name them: Darlene, Annette, Kristen, and Dan -- should all be ashamed of themselves. Regardless of the nature of a child's opinion, anyone this young making an effort to express and develop political thought should be encouraged. Instead, Carynn is slammed, accused of being a proxy for politically active parents and told to shut up because there's no way an eleven-year-old is paying taxes anyway.

And to Carynn -- I'll be at least one voice of encouragement for you here. Anytime you stir the ire of four people who believe folks are entitled to anything the governmnent can confiscate from productive people with the intent to redistribute to anyone willing to put their hand out -- you've done well. Keep it up and don't be discouraged! We need more like you to stand in the face of misguided adults who are peddling their socialist doctrines and get angry when they hit a speed bump.

NASA fuels moon landing hoax theory

We all know of some interesting conspiracy theories... like the CIA shooting JFK, or how the highest levels of government are populated not by humans but by reptile aliens. One of the most attention grabbing conspiracies out there involves the moon and whether humans really landed on it in 1969. Google it sometime, and you could spend days, literally, going through the different points and counter-points discussing the moon landing.

If NASA wanted to dispel any rumors about a faked human lunar landing, they didn't do themselves any favors when they erased the orignal tape recording of the landing.

How does that happen? Imagine the discussion that led to this:

Lionel: "Hey, Bill... here's the orginal recording of Armstrong and the boys landing on the lunar surface. Do you think this might have any historical value, or should I just erase it so we can use it for something else?"

Bill: "Hmm. Erase it. Budget cuts. We'll need it for something else."

How can people bright enough to put men in orbit and on the moon be so stupid as to erase something like that? Can you imagine how much the tape would fetch on Ebay today? Actually the tape belongs in either the Smithsonian or under lock and key in the National Archives or Library of Congress.

Now back to the tin hats. Here's my deal when it comes to conspiracy theories. I'm a probability type of guy. Most people think they have to arrive at a defined conclusion. I would have pegged the probability of the moon landing being a hoax -- before this story came out -- at fifteen to twenty per cent. Now, it's more like fifty or sixty.

The only reason (I can come up with) why anyone wouldn't want that tape guarded closely the instant it was recorded is because they wouldn't want it examined. Stupidity is not an option at NASA. I would bet even the NASA janitors belong to Mensa. Nobody is THAT stupid. Even if NASA were being run by complete imbeciles, a single brain cell would have led anyone to guard that tape.

So I hate being conspiracy-minded, but this gives one cause to wonder.

On being in pain...

I hate pain. I always have. Pain has never felt good. And pain explains why I've been gone the last three days, at least for my noon show.

When I was six or seven, my hip suddenly gave out. I was doubled over in excruciating pain. A few x-rays later, doctors determined I had what's called Perthes' Disease. In layman's terms, one of my hips is squashed flat, malformed. The disorder also inhibits blood from getting down to the leg, so my left leg is slightly shorter and smaller than my right. If you watch me walk, closely, you'll sometimes notice a limp.

This pic, though kinda pretty, is of my defective left hip.

For about a year and a half I wore a leg brace to try and correct the problem. I saw numerous specialists. There's no cure, just pain management. After wearing a brace for that year and a half, a kindly orthopedist in Spokane, Washington determined the brace was doing no good and I could take it off, for good. I remember running through the Spokane JC Penney's with my sister, looking for new shoes, now that I didn't need the ugly old shoe on the leg brace.

Occasionally over the years it's flared up, but after an attempt to water ski Saturday during a family reunion, I woke up Monday morning in pain, worse than ever. Which brings me to the topic of today's piece.

I love pain medicine, proportionately to the level of my disdain for pain. I think one of the reasons I like it is because, one, it kills the pain. But number two, as a Mormon, I can "legally" get high. Not that getting high is a good thing. But doing something typically "forbidden" is kinda sneaky and fun. Getting high is just gravy.

But getting loopy has its downsides. I'm completely useless. Completely. Sometimes I'll just stare at the wall. And while I don't break into laughter, I can see the humor in it. Only those who've had pain medicine can understand just how hilarious a blank wall can be. A couple of nights ago I laughed uncontrollably at something that a sober brain would find only mildly funny. (Actually now, thinking about it, it WAS pretty funny. My daughter basically told her little brother, "The reason we fight is because you don't do what I say." For some reason, Vicodin makes that SO much funnier.)

At the doctor's office I was told that I would eventually need a total hip replacement. I'm thirty-freakin-six years old. Hip replacement? That's for -- sorry to the older generation out there -- the older generation out there. Not me.

But, he did tell me that I needed to nurse my bum hip for as long as possible. Ibuprofen. Acetaminophen. And lots of marital intimacy. (OK, I threw that last one in.) My wife didn't fall for the whole I'll-be-healed-if-we-have-sex-three-times-a-day-for-the-next-two-years pitch. Dangit. That tactic got me the famous "Esther eye roll" and a very non-romantic good-night kiss on the cheek.

Anyway, I think my hip is on the mend. Sadly I'm going to have to give up my voracious appetite to try water skiing every three years, like I have so far. The doc said downhill skiing is probably out as well.

He said I can still crochet, though, so I've got that going for me.

Actually, I should be back to normal soon, biking, hiking, walking. But the upside is that now whenever my wife wants me to take out the garbage or pick up my dirty clothes, I can legitimately say, "Oh, I've got a bad hip, or I would love to."

That will bring another Esther eye-roll.

Most importantly, I can still do talk radio.

Another "Best Of"

I have good news and bad news... bad news first. I'll be gone again today -- health concerns.

The good news... you get to hear my interview with Local News 8's Karole Honas! I sure hope to be back in good health tomorrow... til then..

Sick Day: Best of coming...

Hi gang... not feeling all that great today, so we'll be running last Wednesday's show.... Should be back tomorrow.

O-bum-a gate video

There's a lot of buzz on the net right now about this pic:

It very much looks like the POTUS as well as French President Sarkozy were caught looking where they shouldn't have been -- at the behind of teenage junior G8 delegate. ABC News seems to be convinced the pic is deceiving:



I'm not so sure... I think the President was catching a glimpse. I'll discuss it further on Friday's NLS.

This is what ADD Friday is all about.

Jefferson County Driver Armistice

First of all, I want to apologize in advance to the three Jefferson County Drivers who drive well. You're not the target of today's piece.

Several days ago I had a woman from Rigby call me off the air. She was very nice. We had a pleasant conversation about something forgettable. I only say that because I forgot what we had talked about.

But at the end of the conversation she kindly urged me to stop ridiculing 1J Drivers. She said she felt like I talked about Jefferson County motorists in a mocking tone and it wasn't appreciated, nor did God think it was funny. I've always been curious what kind of sense of humor God has... and now we know.

So, it got me to thinking. Perhaps we should have an armistice. An armistice, as I'm sure you vocabulary nazis out there know, is not a permanent cessation of war. It's just a temporary stoppage. I'll agree to the terms of an Historic Jefferson County Driver Armistice if it goes like this:

"I stop making fun of Jefferson County drivers if they stop driving like crap."

That's fair enough, right?

I may be revealing too much here, but I've been asked by top Jefferson County brass to attend a summit to discuss the armistice. The problem is, one of the sides will have to actually travel to have an armistice summit. Traveling to a summit to discuss dangerous driving is sort of like taking a crack-smoking break at your kid's Dare graduation. It just doesn't seem right.

So, I say both sides should ride bikes to County Line Road and have the historic meeting right then and there. (Crud, that's not going to work, now that I think about it. There will undoubtedly be a 1J cattle truck or something coming along making a roadside armistice summit a potential ground zero of human carnage and last time I checked, we wouldn't want that.)

Maybe we're locked into simply knowing the danger 1J drivers pose to the world, and me doing my level best to educate, inform, and warn my neighbors and listeners.

I'm just sayin'...

Should Michael Jackson be memorialized?

I think only the deluded believe Michael Jackson didn't molest young boys. And normally the title of pedophile pretty much eclipses any other title one attains in life.

Consider just a couple of examples. When you think "O.J. Simpson", what's the first thing that comes to your mind? I'm betting it's not the Heismann, but rather a white bronco, or a bloody glove, or the images of Ron and Nichole's slit throats. What about Phil Specter? His considerable contributions to the music industry have been fully eclipsed by his transition to an insane, weird, wild-haired, pale-faced killer.

But back to Michael Jackson. Why is this case different? Was his star power so potent that the fact he liked sharing his bed with young boys is just an inconvenient and forgettable footnote? His death is drawing the A-list of entertainers and dignitaries. Who else could have pulled off that dance move?

I don't doubt that MJ was screwed up almost from day one. His home life growing up was oppressive. The bright lights shining on him at a young age certainly altered his perception beyond reality. He deserves leniency for certain, but I worry that so spectacularly memorializing an entertainer despite his pedophilia not only sends a bad message, but illustrates the idolatrous nature of the masses.

Sarah Palin's exit, or entrance?

Everyone seems to be speculating about Sarah Palin's decision to step down as Alaska's Governor.

I'm a Sarah Palin fan. I'm a fan because she gives normal folk an opportunity to support someone just like them. Regardless of whether she's qualified to be the President or the Vice President, she's a normal human being. And I like that. My -- and others' -- decision on her Presidential fitness will be made in the months ahead, and that's assuming she'll make a White House run.

The number of pundits crafting her political obituary are legion. I'm not so quick to jump on that noisy bandwagon yet. Her announcement. Was it puzzling? Yes... Fatal? Not necessarily.

Let's not forget that in the last few years we had a President who stained not just an intern's dress, but the reputation of the office he held. And he survived.

Robert Byrd wore a white mask.

Ted Kennedy made a big splash with his most famous scandal.

Closer to home, a US Senator with a wide stance survived credible allegations of seeking gay sex in a public restroom. If that ain't politically fatal, I'm not sure anything is.

Sarah Palin's future is still in her hands.

So those predicting the end of Politician Palin might be right, but not because she's stepped down as governor, rather because she's decided to be done.

As I said before, she's so well-liked (and hated) because she's normal. And I think a normal person would think twice about continuing a career that makes a teenage daughter the target of David Letterman's sick mind.

If there's a scandal and she's been blackmailed, we won't see much more of her.

And if it's political strategy, we'll see a whole lot more of her. And who knows... it might just work.

Staking out your spot

Local Television is reporting that the city of Idaho Falls will no longer allow people to stake out their favorite fireworks viewing spot, in some cases, days in advance of the 4th of July.

I think it's a good move, candidly. If someone wants a spot, then they need to have a warm body there to hold it. Not just a tent stake and some string.

But, I think there's some opportunity for creativity here. Because there is such obvious demand for these small slices of real estate for just 31 minutes out of each year, perhaps we could capitalize on this.

The first thought is for the city to charge for space. But that won't work, because then only the wealthy, or at least the willing-to-pay, would get the best spots.

The second idea could be a money maker for some enterprising folks out there. Perhaps there should be a "squatters" service spring up. Give a kid fifty bucks and a a lawn chair, he'll keep your spot for you. But then, it goes back to the money issue.

So, what about this... a lottery. It's estimated that well over 100 thousand come to watch Idaho Falls' fireworks each year. For a buck -- everyone can afford a buck -- families could get a ticket, and each year in the weeks leading up to the 4th, an event could be held to draw the tickets for the spaces. It could be a fun thing, run by the local Chamber of Commerce, or even the city, and would give all an opportunity to get a good space. Sponsorships could be set up, and for those who like the first-come, first-served approach, a large area could still be designated as such.

This seems to be a big deal each year, and I think most agree something needs to change, so perhaps we should take the situation and make it into something!

"The Clown from Minnesota"

As reported at TulsaWorld.com:

[Sen. James] Inhofe said the much-anticipated conclusion of a Senate race in Minnesota that will give Democrats the 60 votes needed to overcome Republican filibusters would not be enough to save the climate change bill.

“I’ll tell you what a lot of people are thinking, and that is it looks like things are going to be over and we are going to get the clown from Minnesota,’’ he said.

“They are not going to get more than 35 votes.’’

Asked if he was referring to Al Franken as the clown from Minnesota, Inhofe confirmed he was.

Senator Inhofe is dead wrong. Clowns, by definition, must be funny. Perhaps Al "Stewart Smalley" Franken used to be funny, but he's morphed into an angry tantrum-throwing liberal.

When I was a producer for a number of talk shows at another operation, we had some of our hosts in Washington DC at CPAC. Al Franken happened to be there at the same time, while he was with Air America, and he was losing his temper left and right, yelling at people. Swearing. (Imagine the sounds of cuckoo clocks chiming right now).

I think that the heat of the US Senate will, at times, prove too much for Al. I'm looking forward to the grotesque but comical meltdowns I expect to see from this.

I could be wrong. He might be good enough, and smart enough. And I suppose that, doggone it, some people like him.

But I doubt it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken: